Gerbil

by th’ bird

[INT GHOST PLANET STUDIOS: Close up on SPACE GHOST]

SG: Gerbils! The other white meat!

[RUN INTRO CREDITS]

[INT GHOST PLANET STUDIOS: SPACE GHOST is already at his desk.]

SG: Greetings! Have we got an exciting show for you!

[CUT TO: ZORAK at his keyboard]

ZORAK: Hey! Why are you already sitting down? Afraid to Inviso?

[CUT TO: SPACE GHOST]

SG: No time to Inviso, we have a busy show tonight! Didn’t you read your memo? I think you’ll appreciate tonight’s theme, you two—

[CUT TO: ZORAK at his keyboard]

ZORAK: Is it “Give Space Ghost’s power bands to Zorak” night?

[CUT TO: SPACE GHOST]

SG: You wish.

[CUT TO: MOLTAR at the control console]

MOLTAR: Is it “Give Space Ghost’s power bands to Moltar” night?

[CUT TO: SPACE GHOST]

SG: Don’t be ridiculous. No, it’s World Conqueror Wannabe night!

[CUT TO: ZORAK at his keyboard]

ZORAK: Feh.

[CUT TO: SPACE GHOST]

SG: Oh, come on! It’ll be fun!

[CUT TO: ZORAK at his keyboard]

ZORAK: If Locar shows up, I’m outta here.

[CUT TO: SPACE GHOST]

SG: You’re not going anywhere, so shut up and enjoy it. [bright and cheery] Our first guest tonight is the Wicked Wizard of the West himself, Lord Voldy Morty!

[CUT TO: wide shot of SPACE GHOST and the GUEST MONITOR lowering down from the ceiling]

VOLDEMORT: [while still being lowered] Voldemort! Not Voldy Morty! Lord Voldemort!

[CUT TO: ZORAK at his keyboard]

ZORAK: I like the green and scaly look!

[CUT TO: VOLDEMORT in the monitor]

VOLDEMORT: [momentarily nonplussed] …er, thank you.

[CUT TO: ZORAK at his keyboard]

ZORAK: Can I have your skin the next time you shed?

[CUT TO: wide shot of SPACE GHOST and VOLDEMORT]

SG: You got your own exoskeleton. [to VOLDEMORT] Morty, it says here your real name is Timmy.

VOLDEMORT: [roaring] WHAT?!

[CUT TO: MOLTAR at the control console]

MOLTAR: Man, no wonder he changed it. Who ever heard of a world conqueror named Timmy?

[CUT TO: close up, SPACE GHOST]

SG: I once had a friend named Timmy.

[CUT TO: VOLDEMORT in the monitor]

VOLDEMORT: My name is Tommy!

[CUT TO: close up, SPACE GHOST]

SG: He fell down a well.

[CUT TO: VOLDEMORT in the monitor]

VOLDEMORT: Er, Voldy!

[CUT TO: close up, SPACE GHOST]

SG: Stupid collie wasn’t any help either.

[CUT TO: VOLDEMORT in the monitor]

VOLDEMORT: Er, Voldemort!

[CUT TO: close up, SPACE GHOST]

SG: She was too busy playing with a tennis ball.

[CUT TO: VOLDEMORT in the monitor]

VOLDEMORT: [raging] I AM LORD VOLDEMORT! [lightning flashes behind him]

[CUT TO: ZORAK at his keyboard]

ZORAK: Oooo, I like that effect!

[CUT TO: SPACE GHOST, wide shot taking in whole desk]

SG: [oblivious to all else and wailing] TIMMYYYYYY! Oh, why oh why, Timmy!

[CUT TO: VOLDEMORT in the monitor]

VOLDEMORT: [off SG, to no one in particular] Is he always like this?

[CUT TO: MOLTAR at the control console]

MOLTAR: This is one of his better days.

[CUT TO: ZORAK at his keyboard]

ZORAK: Teach me the lightning flashy thingie!

[CUT TO: VOLDEMORT in the monitor]

VOLDEMORT: [eyes glowing] Do you wish to become one of my minions?

[CUT TO: SPACE GHOST, wide shot taking in whole desk]

SG: TIMMYYYYYY! [starts sobbing uncontrollably]

[CUT TO: ZORAK at his keyboard]

ZORAK: Hell no! I just wanna know how to do the lightning flashy thingie!

[CUT TO: MOLTAR at the control console]

MOLTAR: Uh, Space Ghost?

[CUT TO: VOLDEMORT in the monitor]

VOLDEMORT: [raging] So! You refuse to accept me as your lord and master!

[CUT TO: SPACE GHOST, wide shot taking in whole desk]

SG: Oh, Timmy! You were the best gerbil ever!

[CUT TO: ZORAK at his keyboard]

ZORAK: I work for no one! I am Zorak! I am the Lone Locust of the Apocalypse!

[CUT TO: MOLTAR at the control console]

MOLTAR: Space Ghost!

[CUT TO: VOLDEMORT in the monitor]

VOLDEMORT: AVADA—

[CUT TO: ZORAK at his keyboard]

ZORAK: So get bent, old man!

[CUT TO: SPACE GHOST, wide shot taking in whole desk]

SG: My little fuzzy friend!

[CUT TO: VOLDEMORT in the monitor]

VOLDEMORT: KEDAVRA!

[CUT TO: ZORAK at his keyboard, getting blasted much like the regular zaps he takes from SG; and exploding, as usual.]

[CUT TO: SPACE GHOST, wide shot taking in whole desk]

SG: Whoa!

[CUT TO: MOLTAR at the control console]

MOLTAR: Whoa.

[CUT TO: ZORAK at his keyboard]

ZORAK: [smoldering] Feh.

VOLDEMORT: [off screen, camera still on ZORAK] BWAAAAH-hahahahaha!! Morsmordre!

[The Dark Mark appears over ZORAK—sorta. Instead of a skull and snake, it’s Zorak’s head coughing up a worm, with a pleasant little ‘ping!’]

ZORAK: [disgusted] I hate my job.

[CUT TO: wide shot of SPACE GHOST and VOLDEMORT]

SG: HEY! You can’t blast Zorak, only I can blast Zorak!

VOLDEMORT: [raving] You do not command me!

SG: Moltar, cut off Morty’s oxygen supply.

[CUT TO: MOLTAR at the control console]

MOLTAR: Live ta serve ya. [moves a lever]

[CUT TO: VOLDEMORT in the monitor]

VOLDEMORT: [turning blue] HEY!

[CUT TO: wide shot of SPACE GHOST and VOLDEMORT]

SG: Okay, turn it back on.

VOLDEMORT: [SFX: hiss of air returning] I loathe you.

SG: [tauntingly] I am good, and you are evil. Therefore, I always win. Didn’t your agent explain that when you agreed to come on my show?

VOLDEMORT: [eyes wide and glowing red]. He. Did. Not. And when I get my hands on that rat-tailed son of a—

[Over last three words of VOLDEMORT’s rant, cut to SG firing off a Power Band blast; striking the monitor screen and zapping it clear, then cut back to wide shot of SPACE GHOST at his desk.]

SG: Sheesh. Not only is he evil and a grouch, he’s a potty mouth. [brightly and obliviously] Let’s welcome my next guest, Martha Stewart…

(Author’s note: I have no explanation nor excuse for this, it just fell into my brain pretty much as-is, and if you think this is bad, remember which one of us has to live inside my skull. This is done with profound apologies to Hanna-Barbera, Alex Toth, Cartoon Network, and J.K. Rowling…)